Running through my head...

If you were to enter my mind and actually be able to read my thoughts, you'd run.  Oh there would be nice thoughts, funny thoughts, sexy thoughts, and such, but there would also be a lot of darkness and sadness and reckless wondering, wandering through my brain. 

Most mornings I take a back route to my office once I'm off the freeway.  I almost always see a man sitting on a corner of the street in a power wheel chair seemingly watching  the cars go past.  He appears to have cerebral palsy, like Cole.  It may be another diagnosis but the physical manifestations are the same.  I see his twisted limbs and the slight hang of his head.  Like my son.  And depending on the day, and on the mood of the thoughts that race through my head, I cry, or I think he seems peaceful, content, to be sitting in the sunshine, part of the landscape.  When I feel dark, I find myself delving into the unknown future of my son.  It pains me to think that one day he would be this man, sitting watching the world go by.  Not on my watch, I think. 

My husband and I take great measures to make sure that Cole is very much a part of the world.  That his life is full, his interests are pursued and his dreams made true.  He may approach things in his own way, but damn it, if he wants to surf, he'll surf (thank you Jimmy Gamboa!).  He is very much a part of our community, his community, and he lives a life most children would be happy to live.  And I'm sure that the parents of this lone man I see did the same for him and I imagine wanted the same for him...and that's what throws me off.  That's where I fall into the worse case thinking and I fear for Cole's future...It's a place I try to avoid, but sometimes the realities of what it can be stare me, smiling, in the face and I cry. 

The Drive

I live in Los Angeles...like many Los Angelenos, I drive. Alot!  If I'm taking my son to and from school on a given day, and then myself to and from work, I am in the car for a minimum of three hours.  Two if the school run is eliminated.  It's a lot of time with nothing to do but sit...and listen...and talk...and think.  And I do it all.  Anytime the boy is a passenger, there is only children's music, or reggae (thank god for his love of the reggae or I'd be left with only endless repeats of Ralph's World, Laurie Berkner, and They Might Be Giants (the latter being somewhat tolerable if you don't have to do the same disc more than twice in a 24 hour period)...Without the boy, I do a little BBC World News in the morning because British news is so much more interesting than local LA news...A good dose of NPR keeps me in touch with happenings of the world, and my town, and then there's music...Today I blasted compilation discs of punk and new wave from the late 70's until my ears bled...It shakes out all of the angst and eradicates the day of work from my brain...I can sing my little heart out and bop in my seat as I creep along the 405...Or I'll call my mom.  Somewhere during the drive I check in to see how she's doing.  She just moved back to LA after twenty years in the civil little town of Grants Pass, OR.  Twenty years was just enough time to erase any memories of life and living in LA for her.  She's experiencing some culture shock now that she's left her little town.  I'm glad she's here and she's slowly adjusting so I take advantage of my hours in the car to check in with her so that I can devote my home time to the boy and the man...

The funny thing about the whole drive thing is that I hate driving, and I drive more than anyone I know!  Thank god for diversions...like great music, compelling news, and my over active imagination...

Good Girl

My son, who as you know is a boy of few words, said "Good Girl" to my husband today when told that mom was making a salad to take to work for lunch.  When asked if he meant because mom was taking a healthy lunch, he shook his head.  When asked if it was because mom is supposed to cook (or prepare the food), he vehemently smiled YES!  My husband naturally laughed heartily and quickly shared the conversation with me.  I too laughed, more because I was proud that Cole had eeked out a couple of words, but also because he had a funny opinion of our respective roles. 

I'm not sure where it comes from though.  We are a fairly liberal family.  I don't think we adhere to traditional designations of what a wife/mother or husband/father should be.  We each have our strengths and tend to pitch in wherever and whenever needed.  We both work.  We both cook.  We both care for Cole.  We are both involved at his school, in fact, my husband even more so than I.  We both give baths, do homework, play games, do playdates.  Yet, for some reason there are things that the boy prefers to have one or the other of us to manage.  He actually likes me to bathe him, but prefers his dad to do the drying.  I have to put him to sleep...but dad gets him ready for bed.  And apparently, I'm supposed to do the cooking.

Does he think I'm a better cook, or that it's my role to cook?  And where does this opinion come from?  He doesn't eat much (he's fed through a g-tube) so I don't think he knows per se that I am a good cook (I am!). which leads me to believe that he simply thinks the moms should do the cooking.  Is this supported by things he sees or hears at school, in books, on TV?  My curiosity lies more in how his brain works than in the notion of roles, but I am curious nonetheless.  In the meantime, I am happy to be labeled the Good Girl...I wish our lunatic puppy felt the same! 

Sunshine and Summer

As summer descends and our days grow longer, warmer, and brighter, I notice that my mind tends to wander to my past.  To carefree summer nights spent dancing and drinking deep into the night and stealing free day time hours at the beach with friends.  To times when my responsibilities were limited and my attention was devoted selfishly to reckless, feckless fun.  And it was okay.  And sometimes I wish I could have some of those days and nights back...

Now that I'm older, presumably wiser, and most importantly, a parent, summer means figuring out what to do with my child while I work, my husband works, and he has endless weeks of no school.  My appreciation for school grows with each summer...We prep for summer by finding camps and setting up playdates to fill his days with non-stop activity.  He too is thrown off by the vast amount of free time.  He loves school.  He cherishes the routines of the school year...He misses friends during the summer. 

I still love the longer days and having sunlight in the evenings.  It makes me feel more productive to have it still be light when I return home from work.  I can play in the garden, tinker on little backyard projects, enjoy a glass of wine while Dan grills something...and I love it.  And I sometimes wish I could tuck my child into bed, slip on a slinky black sundress and sandals, and head out to a night club of my past and dance until I'm hot and sweaty and thoroughly happy...alas...there's work tomorrow, and a boy who wakes at dawn...

The Best Day

Saturday was one of those days when being Cole's mom means you have tears (of joy) in your eyes most of the day!  Sometimes I'm in awe of his openess and of his ability to do whatever it is he wants to do.  Sometimes it means finding the best way to try something new, and other times, it's finding the right people to help.  Saturday morning Cole flew a helicopter over the Valley and Saturday afternoon he surfed in Malibu to the cheers of a crowd of kids who were participating in a surf contest (Malibu Surfing Association's Surf Yer Brains Out jr. competion) and their families.  The MSA invited Thera Surf to do an exhibition between heats in the afternoon.  It left everyone inspired and tears were shed by many more than just the parents of the five kids who surfed!  Cole had the best time because not only did he surf with Jimmy, who caught wave after wave, but three of the other kids were good friends of his (and we didn't even know they'd be there so it was a fab surprise!)...

The funny thing is that having the opportunity to do these amazing things doesn't even phase Cole.  Over the years he's been able to pursue most of his interests and to live the dreams.  I almost feel like he just knows that he can make things happen for himself.  He wills things to happen.  It's remarkable.  He's a force of nature...My force. 

Spring Fever

Maybe that's what I have...I've had no motivation to be at work this week...the entire week!  I get there, do my thing, the whole while wishing I was elsewhere.  I generally really like being at work and I enjoy my days there.  But this week?  No!  Finally Friday is here and I couldn't be more pleased. 

The weekend promises to be jam packed with fun.  Tomorrow Cole is going to fly again.  He's a particpant in Challenge Air, a non-profit that takes kids with needs flying in little four seater cesnas all over LA.  He'll get to steer and fly the plane himself for part of the time.  Then we rush to Malibu where he'll spend the afternoon surfing...TheraSurf is going to do a little exposition during a grommit surf competion at Surf Rider Beach...He's beyond excited about the day.  And who can blame him! 

Dan leaves Sunday before day break...Flying to Cannes for just a week this year.  Always on Mother's Day.  I get to spend the day with my boy, and my mom...A nice treat...

Nothing more interesting to say right now...I think the only reason I decided to write is because I'm delaying my departure to work...and I should go, right????

2010

I'm not one for resolutions because I never succeed at resolving.  That said, I do find inspiration in the start of a new year.  I do find myself contemplating the things I can do to improve myself and to better the world.  But I think about that kind of stuff constantly, especially after having Cole.  Having a child, especially a child with unique needs and abilities, has made me more aware of both the brightest and bleakest things and people.  It has also made me more inclined to try to be among the brightest - to be kinder, more mindful, and more tolerant.

This year finds my family embarking on a great many changes.  I don't where they'll lead or how things will wind up but I relish the journey and I'm looking forward to the uncertainty even if it scares me as much as excites me.