My Time

I've had the whole morning to myself...some of the afternoon...I left before Dan took Cole to horseback riding to attend my 2nd Weight Watchers meeting (from now to be known as WW if I ever mention it). Yes, I've finally made the decision to lose the excess emotional baggage I've been carrying around for the past decade and thought some help might be a good idea. Down 2.2 my first week...not bad considering it was a crazy week and nothing really worked out the way it was supposed to. So after that, I leisurely ran errands and did some house puttering. I can't remember when I've had six hours to myself and frankly, I didn't quite know what to do with it. I should savor it since I'll be on my own for much of the summer while Dan's shooting a movie in Baltimore. It will be a busy, hectic summer for all three of us. Cole's doing summer school, a drama camp (they'll put on Newsies at the end) and then four weeks at a real old fashioned summer camp where they'll swim, hike, do archery, arts & crafts, gymnastics, soccer, some game called GaGa that he's very excited about, and more. What I imagine the idyllic summer camp experience to be...I'll be working and Dan'll have long days making the movie...He grew up in Baltimore so it should be a pretty fun time between the hard work. A different summer for us but hopefully a good one. Now I'm tired and wishing my time wasn't almost up. The boys are bowling with one of Cole's teachers but due to be back in just a few minutes. Part of me feels like I should have gone for a massage or yoga or something but the other part feels reasonably satisfied that a lot of running around was successful and that I don't have to drag Cole around to do lame, necessary errands...Perhaps I'll have a quick up of tea and curl up with a book until they're back...hmm

He's not me...

The boy is sick again...Just a cold/flu fever thing...but congested enough to keep him up and witha sore throat that makes him prefer to spit instead of swallow...Dan picked him up from school yesterday with a sore throat and is staying home with him today. It felt so strange to leave the house with Cole there not feeling well. It's the first time in seven odd years that I've had to do that. I felt a twinge of nerves from Dan, not because he's not an amazing dad who is completely capable of taking care of the boy, but because he's simply not me, and because his efforts will be made more difficult because of it. He, in fact, often proves to be more attentive to Cole's needs, but it doesn't often matter. I feel for him. I see how frustrating it is and even disheartening. I wish there was something I could do about it but Cole's got his mind set and even when he's frustrated or angry with me, it's still me he craves. So I'm here at work feeling badly that I'm not home, feeling badly that Dan's missing work, feeling badly that Cole might be giving him a hard time...

I'm tucked inside a cubby hole

A cubby I call my office...It's my first experience with the dreaded "not really an office" office. Modular dividers...I'm quickly becoming crowded with binders, books, files, and piles of loose papers. Photos clutter the nubby push pin wall, along with memorabilia designed to make me look both cool and interesting. Privacy doesn't exist when your office is open and in the middle of the entire office space. Your conversations are easily overheard, although you can hear your coworkers just as easily so there's the bonus of selective voyerism. I frequently, nearly always, eat at my desk which is awkward at best. And yet somehow, I've grown accustomed to being on display. And I find myself wondering if this is how zoo animals feel, being watched constantly during every hour of the day?