Spring Fever

Maybe that's what I have...I've had no motivation to be at work this week...the entire week!  I get there, do my thing, the whole while wishing I was elsewhere.  I generally really like being at work and I enjoy my days there.  But this week?  No!  Finally Friday is here and I couldn't be more pleased. 

The weekend promises to be jam packed with fun.  Tomorrow Cole is going to fly again.  He's a particpant in Challenge Air, a non-profit that takes kids with needs flying in little four seater cesnas all over LA.  He'll get to steer and fly the plane himself for part of the time.  Then we rush to Malibu where he'll spend the afternoon surfing...TheraSurf is going to do a little exposition during a grommit surf competion at Surf Rider Beach...He's beyond excited about the day.  And who can blame him! 

Dan leaves Sunday before day break...Flying to Cannes for just a week this year.  Always on Mother's Day.  I get to spend the day with my boy, and my mom...A nice treat...

Nothing more interesting to say right now...I think the only reason I decided to write is because I'm delaying my departure to work...and I should go, right????

2010

I'm not one for resolutions because I never succeed at resolving.  That said, I do find inspiration in the start of a new year.  I do find myself contemplating the things I can do to improve myself and to better the world.  But I think about that kind of stuff constantly, especially after having Cole.  Having a child, especially a child with unique needs and abilities, has made me more aware of both the brightest and bleakest things and people.  It has also made me more inclined to try to be among the brightest - to be kinder, more mindful, and more tolerant.

This year finds my family embarking on a great many changes.  I don't where they'll lead or how things will wind up but I relish the journey and I'm looking forward to the uncertainty even if it scares me as much as excites me. 

Limbo

The vultures are circling overhead...wings spread wide as they soar, waiting...We're all waiting...Waiting for the now inevitable phone call. Every time the home phone rings, my breathing stops and I wait, listening for something...anything, but silence.

My mother-in-law is dying and it's one of the most unsettling realities I've dealt with. I can't completely wrap my head around how Dan must feel, or my in-laws for that matter. While she's very much a part of my life, and someone I love dearly, I'm still on the outside just a hair, yet close enough that tears fill my eyes when I think about it and I quietly run through how we will break the news to Cole on a regular basis. We live in limbo waiting for the call. Tensions are running high...and there's nothing to be done...yet...we simply wait.

The Wait...

The wait is the hardest part...so the song says...



Sometimes the moments leading up to an event can be so excruciatingly driven by anticpation that the moment passes before you look up to notice. Other times, the anguish of the anticpation is disapaited by the success of the event, the breath you take as you walk into a room and realize you have all of your clothes on and a spinach free smile. And yet other events are marked by the tragedy of time moving us in different directions while our hearts hold onto the memories of the past, of what once was.



I saw someone I love dearly after several years out of touch. There was a great amount of anxiety built into the meeting. There was joy at the prospect of reconnecting with a beloved friend, and ultimately sorrow at the distance the years put between us, between where we once shared common ground, and now lead vastly different lives. The tug of the affection that we share bonds us forever but I felt such a sense of disconnect even as we hugged and were genuinely happy to see one another. I left, my walk weighted by the sadness...

Surfing Boys

I've always liked boys who surf...I've always wanted to learn to surf...I don't know why I never have. I spent years hanging out with people who could have, would happily, taught me...I think when I was younger and more insecure, I was afraid to ask, afraid to not be good at it, afraid to look foolish? I don't know...But by and large, I've always found that boys who surf are generally pretty cool guys...

And this past Saturday, it was never more evident...A mom at our school who I met this summer generously included Cole in an event that was part of the Malibu Invitational surf competition. Thera-Surf is a program where physical therapy is combined with surfing. The surfing component comes from Kim and her boyfriend, a known surfer, Jimmy Gamboa. He got several other pro or really terrific surfers to volunteer their time and expertise to take out eight children with varied needs. Cole was the only first timer...He has wanted to go surfing for about five years. We've dreamed of this kind of program and fantasized about trying to create one for years...Kim, Jimmy and a PT professor at CSUN actually did it! And they're amazing.

Cole was a little nervous - perhaps nerves and over excitement...When we first arrived at the beach he just sat and sort of checked out everything. The competition was going on and the announcers were chatting and a lot of activity going on around the beach with the different sponsors and vendors and teams...We met some of the guys who would be taking the kids surfing and Cole seemed to relax...Then he got into his wetsuit and was off...

He surfed with Ryan Conder who also surfs with Surfer's Healing so he's had lots of experience with kids...He paddled out with Cole on the front of his long yellow board until they were but a speck in the sea...They waited their turn and for a good wave and were off...Ryan stood up first, then pulled Cole to his feet and they rode the waves...Cole's little feet danced on the board and I can only imagine the size of his smile! They had three great rides...and Cole's ready for the next time...

Standing on the shore with all of the other parents, spectators and surfers cheering for our children was joyous. The guys who gave their time to do this have no idea how much they are appreciated and now a part of the weave of our lives. One of Cole's dreams came true yesterday...It became a reality...and something he'll be able to do again and again. He's joined the ranks of the cool surfers...

So you had a bad day...

Or week...

For whatever reason, the logic in my life tends to be that when Dan is away, things go wrong. Last spring the electricity went out when he was in Cannes and had to be rewired. Later that year while he was in Toronto the bathtub nozzle broke somehow and the water couldn't be turned off...Another year the airconditioner died in 100+ degree weather. And then just the little things like the car overheating on the 405 at rush hour and pneumonia taking Cole and I down for two weeks of missed work...And none of it's Dan's fault and there's nothing he can do about any of but it just all seems to happen when he's away. I feel like Schleprock...

I'm having a bad week...nothing seems to be cooperating and there seems to be too much that needs my atttention and not enough of my attention to go around. I'm driving an average of three hours every day just on the commute to and from work/summer school. It's hot even in the evenings and I'm pretty sick of myself at this point.

I've developed a whole new appreciation (on top of the respect I already had) for single parents. It's fucking hard and there's just no down time...no such thing as "me" time, especially when you have a 24/7 child like mine. There's just not that "go entertain yourself for a little while so mommy can breathe" moment...And I know he'd love to do just that so it feels unfair to even mention it...I know he'd help me with anything I needed. And for that, the smile returns and I am reminded of how lucky I am that this is only temporary and that things can be fixed, traffic will flow again one day (okay, maybe not that, I do live in LA after all), and there's the boy and the beginning and end of my day who loves me...

Fever

Fever seems to have taken over my life during the past two weeks. It started two Mondays ago with Cole going from normal to 103.5 in about ten minutes...and it hasn't stopped. He's had pneumonia, an upper respitory infection and two ear infections during the past 14 days and I've had the pneumonia and upper respitory...Maybe the ears but I never checked. With the exeception of a residual cough, I'm well on my way to being healthy. We've had the quietest, dullest days these weeks and yet before bed last night the boy felt warm..100.4, cool bath and Tylenol, off to bed and he wakes with 101.1! I don't get it. He's congested again and achey...It's back to the doctor tomorrow even though summer school starts tomorrow and I desperately have to get back to work...Working from home is just not the same...I can be productive but there's just something so nice about being amongst my coworkers and interacting that makes it seem more productive at the office. Let's all cross our fingers that it's just an ear and not something worse...Fever...when you kiss me, fever all through the night...