The Wait...

The wait is the hardest part...so the song says...



Sometimes the moments leading up to an event can be so excruciatingly driven by anticpation that the moment passes before you look up to notice. Other times, the anguish of the anticpation is disapaited by the success of the event, the breath you take as you walk into a room and realize you have all of your clothes on and a spinach free smile. And yet other events are marked by the tragedy of time moving us in different directions while our hearts hold onto the memories of the past, of what once was.



I saw someone I love dearly after several years out of touch. There was a great amount of anxiety built into the meeting. There was joy at the prospect of reconnecting with a beloved friend, and ultimately sorrow at the distance the years put between us, between where we once shared common ground, and now lead vastly different lives. The tug of the affection that we share bonds us forever but I felt such a sense of disconnect even as we hugged and were genuinely happy to see one another. I left, my walk weighted by the sadness...

Surfing Boys

I've always liked boys who surf...I've always wanted to learn to surf...I don't know why I never have. I spent years hanging out with people who could have, would happily, taught me...I think when I was younger and more insecure, I was afraid to ask, afraid to not be good at it, afraid to look foolish? I don't know...But by and large, I've always found that boys who surf are generally pretty cool guys...

And this past Saturday, it was never more evident...A mom at our school who I met this summer generously included Cole in an event that was part of the Malibu Invitational surf competition. Thera-Surf is a program where physical therapy is combined with surfing. The surfing component comes from Kim and her boyfriend, a known surfer, Jimmy Gamboa. He got several other pro or really terrific surfers to volunteer their time and expertise to take out eight children with varied needs. Cole was the only first timer...He has wanted to go surfing for about five years. We've dreamed of this kind of program and fantasized about trying to create one for years...Kim, Jimmy and a PT professor at CSUN actually did it! And they're amazing.

Cole was a little nervous - perhaps nerves and over excitement...When we first arrived at the beach he just sat and sort of checked out everything. The competition was going on and the announcers were chatting and a lot of activity going on around the beach with the different sponsors and vendors and teams...We met some of the guys who would be taking the kids surfing and Cole seemed to relax...Then he got into his wetsuit and was off...

He surfed with Ryan Conder who also surfs with Surfer's Healing so he's had lots of experience with kids...He paddled out with Cole on the front of his long yellow board until they were but a speck in the sea...They waited their turn and for a good wave and were off...Ryan stood up first, then pulled Cole to his feet and they rode the waves...Cole's little feet danced on the board and I can only imagine the size of his smile! They had three great rides...and Cole's ready for the next time...

Standing on the shore with all of the other parents, spectators and surfers cheering for our children was joyous. The guys who gave their time to do this have no idea how much they are appreciated and now a part of the weave of our lives. One of Cole's dreams came true yesterday...It became a reality...and something he'll be able to do again and again. He's joined the ranks of the cool surfers...

So you had a bad day...

Or week...

For whatever reason, the logic in my life tends to be that when Dan is away, things go wrong. Last spring the electricity went out when he was in Cannes and had to be rewired. Later that year while he was in Toronto the bathtub nozzle broke somehow and the water couldn't be turned off...Another year the airconditioner died in 100+ degree weather. And then just the little things like the car overheating on the 405 at rush hour and pneumonia taking Cole and I down for two weeks of missed work...And none of it's Dan's fault and there's nothing he can do about any of but it just all seems to happen when he's away. I feel like Schleprock...

I'm having a bad week...nothing seems to be cooperating and there seems to be too much that needs my atttention and not enough of my attention to go around. I'm driving an average of three hours every day just on the commute to and from work/summer school. It's hot even in the evenings and I'm pretty sick of myself at this point.

I've developed a whole new appreciation (on top of the respect I already had) for single parents. It's fucking hard and there's just no down time...no such thing as "me" time, especially when you have a 24/7 child like mine. There's just not that "go entertain yourself for a little while so mommy can breathe" moment...And I know he'd love to do just that so it feels unfair to even mention it...I know he'd help me with anything I needed. And for that, the smile returns and I am reminded of how lucky I am that this is only temporary and that things can be fixed, traffic will flow again one day (okay, maybe not that, I do live in LA after all), and there's the boy and the beginning and end of my day who loves me...

Fever

Fever seems to have taken over my life during the past two weeks. It started two Mondays ago with Cole going from normal to 103.5 in about ten minutes...and it hasn't stopped. He's had pneumonia, an upper respitory infection and two ear infections during the past 14 days and I've had the pneumonia and upper respitory...Maybe the ears but I never checked. With the exeception of a residual cough, I'm well on my way to being healthy. We've had the quietest, dullest days these weeks and yet before bed last night the boy felt warm..100.4, cool bath and Tylenol, off to bed and he wakes with 101.1! I don't get it. He's congested again and achey...It's back to the doctor tomorrow even though summer school starts tomorrow and I desperately have to get back to work...Working from home is just not the same...I can be productive but there's just something so nice about being amongst my coworkers and interacting that makes it seem more productive at the office. Let's all cross our fingers that it's just an ear and not something worse...Fever...when you kiss me, fever all through the night...

My Time

I've had the whole morning to myself...some of the afternoon...I left before Dan took Cole to horseback riding to attend my 2nd Weight Watchers meeting (from now to be known as WW if I ever mention it). Yes, I've finally made the decision to lose the excess emotional baggage I've been carrying around for the past decade and thought some help might be a good idea. Down 2.2 my first week...not bad considering it was a crazy week and nothing really worked out the way it was supposed to. So after that, I leisurely ran errands and did some house puttering. I can't remember when I've had six hours to myself and frankly, I didn't quite know what to do with it. I should savor it since I'll be on my own for much of the summer while Dan's shooting a movie in Baltimore. It will be a busy, hectic summer for all three of us. Cole's doing summer school, a drama camp (they'll put on Newsies at the end) and then four weeks at a real old fashioned summer camp where they'll swim, hike, do archery, arts & crafts, gymnastics, soccer, some game called GaGa that he's very excited about, and more. What I imagine the idyllic summer camp experience to be...I'll be working and Dan'll have long days making the movie...He grew up in Baltimore so it should be a pretty fun time between the hard work. A different summer for us but hopefully a good one. Now I'm tired and wishing my time wasn't almost up. The boys are bowling with one of Cole's teachers but due to be back in just a few minutes. Part of me feels like I should have gone for a massage or yoga or something but the other part feels reasonably satisfied that a lot of running around was successful and that I don't have to drag Cole around to do lame, necessary errands...Perhaps I'll have a quick up of tea and curl up with a book until they're back...hmm

He's not me...

The boy is sick again...Just a cold/flu fever thing...but congested enough to keep him up and witha sore throat that makes him prefer to spit instead of swallow...Dan picked him up from school yesterday with a sore throat and is staying home with him today. It felt so strange to leave the house with Cole there not feeling well. It's the first time in seven odd years that I've had to do that. I felt a twinge of nerves from Dan, not because he's not an amazing dad who is completely capable of taking care of the boy, but because he's simply not me, and because his efforts will be made more difficult because of it. He, in fact, often proves to be more attentive to Cole's needs, but it doesn't often matter. I feel for him. I see how frustrating it is and even disheartening. I wish there was something I could do about it but Cole's got his mind set and even when he's frustrated or angry with me, it's still me he craves. So I'm here at work feeling badly that I'm not home, feeling badly that Dan's missing work, feeling badly that Cole might be giving him a hard time...

I'm tucked inside a cubby hole

A cubby I call my office...It's my first experience with the dreaded "not really an office" office. Modular dividers...I'm quickly becoming crowded with binders, books, files, and piles of loose papers. Photos clutter the nubby push pin wall, along with memorabilia designed to make me look both cool and interesting. Privacy doesn't exist when your office is open and in the middle of the entire office space. Your conversations are easily overheard, although you can hear your coworkers just as easily so there's the bonus of selective voyerism. I frequently, nearly always, eat at my desk which is awkward at best. And yet somehow, I've grown accustomed to being on display. And I find myself wondering if this is how zoo animals feel, being watched constantly during every hour of the day?