Good Girl

My son, who as you know is a boy of few words, said "Good Girl" to my husband today when told that mom was making a salad to take to work for lunch.  When asked if he meant because mom was taking a healthy lunch, he shook his head.  When asked if it was because mom is supposed to cook (or prepare the food), he vehemently smiled YES!  My husband naturally laughed heartily and quickly shared the conversation with me.  I too laughed, more because I was proud that Cole had eeked out a couple of words, but also because he had a funny opinion of our respective roles. 

I'm not sure where it comes from though.  We are a fairly liberal family.  I don't think we adhere to traditional designations of what a wife/mother or husband/father should be.  We each have our strengths and tend to pitch in wherever and whenever needed.  We both work.  We both cook.  We both care for Cole.  We are both involved at his school, in fact, my husband even more so than I.  We both give baths, do homework, play games, do playdates.  Yet, for some reason there are things that the boy prefers to have one or the other of us to manage.  He actually likes me to bathe him, but prefers his dad to do the drying.  I have to put him to sleep...but dad gets him ready for bed.  And apparently, I'm supposed to do the cooking.

Does he think I'm a better cook, or that it's my role to cook?  And where does this opinion come from?  He doesn't eat much (he's fed through a g-tube) so I don't think he knows per se that I am a good cook (I am!). which leads me to believe that he simply thinks the moms should do the cooking.  Is this supported by things he sees or hears at school, in books, on TV?  My curiosity lies more in how his brain works than in the notion of roles, but I am curious nonetheless.  In the meantime, I am happy to be labeled the Good Girl...I wish our lunatic puppy felt the same! 

Sunshine and Summer

As summer descends and our days grow longer, warmer, and brighter, I notice that my mind tends to wander to my past.  To carefree summer nights spent dancing and drinking deep into the night and stealing free day time hours at the beach with friends.  To times when my responsibilities were limited and my attention was devoted selfishly to reckless, feckless fun.  And it was okay.  And sometimes I wish I could have some of those days and nights back...

Now that I'm older, presumably wiser, and most importantly, a parent, summer means figuring out what to do with my child while I work, my husband works, and he has endless weeks of no school.  My appreciation for school grows with each summer...We prep for summer by finding camps and setting up playdates to fill his days with non-stop activity.  He too is thrown off by the vast amount of free time.  He loves school.  He cherishes the routines of the school year...He misses friends during the summer. 

I still love the longer days and having sunlight in the evenings.  It makes me feel more productive to have it still be light when I return home from work.  I can play in the garden, tinker on little backyard projects, enjoy a glass of wine while Dan grills something...and I love it.  And I sometimes wish I could tuck my child into bed, slip on a slinky black sundress and sandals, and head out to a night club of my past and dance until I'm hot and sweaty and thoroughly happy...alas...there's work tomorrow, and a boy who wakes at dawn...

The Best Day

Saturday was one of those days when being Cole's mom means you have tears (of joy) in your eyes most of the day!  Sometimes I'm in awe of his openess and of his ability to do whatever it is he wants to do.  Sometimes it means finding the best way to try something new, and other times, it's finding the right people to help.  Saturday morning Cole flew a helicopter over the Valley and Saturday afternoon he surfed in Malibu to the cheers of a crowd of kids who were participating in a surf contest (Malibu Surfing Association's Surf Yer Brains Out jr. competion) and their families.  The MSA invited Thera Surf to do an exhibition between heats in the afternoon.  It left everyone inspired and tears were shed by many more than just the parents of the five kids who surfed!  Cole had the best time because not only did he surf with Jimmy, who caught wave after wave, but three of the other kids were good friends of his (and we didn't even know they'd be there so it was a fab surprise!)...

The funny thing is that having the opportunity to do these amazing things doesn't even phase Cole.  Over the years he's been able to pursue most of his interests and to live the dreams.  I almost feel like he just knows that he can make things happen for himself.  He wills things to happen.  It's remarkable.  He's a force of nature...My force. 

Spring Fever

Maybe that's what I have...I've had no motivation to be at work this week...the entire week!  I get there, do my thing, the whole while wishing I was elsewhere.  I generally really like being at work and I enjoy my days there.  But this week?  No!  Finally Friday is here and I couldn't be more pleased. 

The weekend promises to be jam packed with fun.  Tomorrow Cole is going to fly again.  He's a particpant in Challenge Air, a non-profit that takes kids with needs flying in little four seater cesnas all over LA.  He'll get to steer and fly the plane himself for part of the time.  Then we rush to Malibu where he'll spend the afternoon surfing...TheraSurf is going to do a little exposition during a grommit surf competion at Surf Rider Beach...He's beyond excited about the day.  And who can blame him! 

Dan leaves Sunday before day break...Flying to Cannes for just a week this year.  Always on Mother's Day.  I get to spend the day with my boy, and my mom...A nice treat...

Nothing more interesting to say right now...I think the only reason I decided to write is because I'm delaying my departure to work...and I should go, right????

2010

I'm not one for resolutions because I never succeed at resolving.  That said, I do find inspiration in the start of a new year.  I do find myself contemplating the things I can do to improve myself and to better the world.  But I think about that kind of stuff constantly, especially after having Cole.  Having a child, especially a child with unique needs and abilities, has made me more aware of both the brightest and bleakest things and people.  It has also made me more inclined to try to be among the brightest - to be kinder, more mindful, and more tolerant.

This year finds my family embarking on a great many changes.  I don't where they'll lead or how things will wind up but I relish the journey and I'm looking forward to the uncertainty even if it scares me as much as excites me. 

Limbo

The vultures are circling overhead...wings spread wide as they soar, waiting...We're all waiting...Waiting for the now inevitable phone call. Every time the home phone rings, my breathing stops and I wait, listening for something...anything, but silence.

My mother-in-law is dying and it's one of the most unsettling realities I've dealt with. I can't completely wrap my head around how Dan must feel, or my in-laws for that matter. While she's very much a part of my life, and someone I love dearly, I'm still on the outside just a hair, yet close enough that tears fill my eyes when I think about it and I quietly run through how we will break the news to Cole on a regular basis. We live in limbo waiting for the call. Tensions are running high...and there's nothing to be done...yet...we simply wait.

The Wait...

The wait is the hardest part...so the song says...



Sometimes the moments leading up to an event can be so excruciatingly driven by anticpation that the moment passes before you look up to notice. Other times, the anguish of the anticpation is disapaited by the success of the event, the breath you take as you walk into a room and realize you have all of your clothes on and a spinach free smile. And yet other events are marked by the tragedy of time moving us in different directions while our hearts hold onto the memories of the past, of what once was.



I saw someone I love dearly after several years out of touch. There was a great amount of anxiety built into the meeting. There was joy at the prospect of reconnecting with a beloved friend, and ultimately sorrow at the distance the years put between us, between where we once shared common ground, and now lead vastly different lives. The tug of the affection that we share bonds us forever but I felt such a sense of disconnect even as we hugged and were genuinely happy to see one another. I left, my walk weighted by the sadness...